i wonder how we're in a world
heaven sent ten billion.
where you can find people
who're a billion in one.
where you can love people
who're one in a billion.

... but i'm lost in this world
with a population of one.

b.

dear god,

let me have the courage
to do what i have to,
to say what i need,
to have what i want,
to claim what is mine,
to love unconditionally,
to trust without doubt,
to be principled...
to be who i am.

i surrender.

ahan prema.

b.

my new year's resolution is simple:
i don't want to sign anything else
to end a mistake i started.

i've done it twice, & it's enough.

b.

i can't fall asleep every night
wondering if it would be better
the next day.

i can't wake up every morning
& forgive you the first thing
i wake up.

b.

who will hear the cries of
the one who cannot sleep?
the silent whispers lost in the wind,
with the world gently sleeping.
who will hold me together
when i fall & weep?
as chaos runs rampant,
i haer the voices whose advice
i left not heeding.
who will understand the pain
that runs so deep?
in the darkness,
with demons slowly creeping.
i resign to be the one,
the one who cannot sleep.
the one the world left behind
while they were gently sleeping.

note to self:
merry christmas, boo,
& a happy fucking new year.

b.

there comes a time every year
where people start getting
moody, depressed & listless,
so much for christmas cheer,
hello folks, welcome to
d e c e m b e r.

one thinks about the year
that is about to pass -
what have you achieved?
have you done the best you can?
loves that were won, or maybe
loves that were lost.
the people who have come, or
the people who have gone.
the blessings & opportunities,
the misfortunes you swear
to never come by your way again.
was it the best year you've had?
or was it the worst year?
or maybe, it was just one
of those mediocre years
that have passed you by.

mediocrity bores me.
oh, how i've heard enough of that.
that should be my tagline for '06.

hello, good morning, how you do?
what makes your rising sun so new?
i could use a fresh beginning too
all of my regrets are nothing new
so this is the way that i say i need you
this is the way that i'm...

learning to breathe
i'm learning to crawl
i'm finding that you &
you alone can break my fall
i'm living again, awake & alive
i'm dying to breathe in these
abundant skies.

b.

disappearing.

it's not like second nature to me,
it IS second nature to me -
the calls i never return.
the people i simply evade.
the blog i left unwritten.
the emails flagged to reply.
the smses i "forget" to respond to.

& like i always say after disappearing
for disgustingly long periods of time,
i will now say it again -
oh boy, so much has happened,
i don't know where to start.

& like i do, faithfully, every december,
i think... ALOT - almost religiously, really.

i'll go into detail when i feel like
talking about it.

but now, i'll just leave you with '06
burried in my head & some words
excavated from my heart.

when i was younger, when i was free,
someone once told me to be all i could be.
then i grew stronger, & i grew tall,
but she lied when she told me
she wouldn't let me fall.

& i came tumbling from the sky,
from the heavens so high...
because of one forbidden lie.

when i grew bitter, when i grew old,
someone then taught me to move on & be bold.
then i grew bolder, but not very wise,
i still couldn't tell the truth from the lies.

& i came tumbling from the sky,
from the heavens so high...
because of one forbidden lie.

so forgive me if it's hard to prove
that i've got nothing more to lose,
the sins of my past, blame it on my youth...

because i came tumbling from the sky,
from the heavens so high...
because of one forbidden lie.

b.