i've learnt about betrayl
to the highest degree...
you weren never looking
to & for my friendship...
i was just a means to a way.

i see you for who you are now,
but can i stop myself from
being who i am?

please... can somebody just
make me believe again?
in friendship, in love,
in idealistic dreams,
in integrity, in trust,
in faith, in kindness,
in romance, in life.

do i really have to break you
to make me?

i looked to you to shelter me
from the storm brewing outside.
i wanted you to hold me how
you used to & tell me it's ok.
but you left me out in the rain.
so many signs, none taken.

on love, in sadness.

b.

people say that in forgiving you,
it is ultimately forgiving myself.

i grimace at that thought...
raking up thoughts & feelings
that i've been blocking out.

i think above everything else,
i just don't know how to forgive you
... what more myself?

on another note, i lied -
i AM holding my breath about
my slim 5% chance tomorrow.
i have no will power when it
comes to you.

you can't hate me cos i hated
you first...

haha, it was just great seeing you,
my-little-blue-boo-joey-kapooey!

b.

i doubt you need to hear much from me!



b.

first, i had a heart-stopping
epiphany in the afternoon.

an hour ago, while sitting down
stealing glances at you...
i stopped to watch you clear
empty glasses off the table.
it was then, that very moment -
i had a heart-breaking one.

i don't think i will ever
forget anything about you,
all those little things i love,
all those little things that
make you... you.

how you put dao you & jio cheng in
everything before even tasting it.

how you carry 20 million things
with you wherever you go.

how you are so crazy & beautiful
all at the very same time.

how you look, smell, think, speak,
taste, laugh, smile, pout, dance.

i don't think i will ever
forget the way you were with me.

the way you looked at me with
the most adoring set of eyes.

the way you ran your fingers
through my messy hair.

the way you were always oh so
gentle with me.

the way you were so protective
of & over me.

the way you stroked my hand & arm.

the way you always made sure that
i was well fed.

the way we stole little kisses
through your front gate.

& damn me, but i don't think i'll ever
... stop loving you.

there, i said it. i love you.
i always have - couldn't you tell?

i wouldn't want it any other way...
i wouldn't have done it any other way.

you'll always be on my right shoulder.

1 in 5,546,740,959,337,006,857.

why does it always go back to you?

b.

no, i haven't dropped off
the face of the earth &
smashed all my limbs
on the long way down...
so i'm sorry to disappoint.

you took a stab at me today
& you know i will not die.
not for you...
not yesterday.
not today.
not ever.

bright lights & disco balls.
you'll see.

b.

why is it that with you,
it's always always ALWAYS
fucking crazy & oh-so-beautiful
at the very same time?

another time, another place.
please...

b.

please stop ripping me up
from the inside of my mind.
i know what i need to do...
& it's not this, not now...
not even if i want to...
& you know i do.

please, please... i beg you.
help yourself, because i can't.

b.

i had almost forgotten how beautiful you look,
all the stares i've given which you took.
i can't help myself from loving you...
don't you know that i'm theoretically yours?

stop playing your games in my head,
i'm still getting used to an empty bed.
do you know our memories are on repeat?
don't you know that i'm theoretically yours?

why does the moonlight dance in your hair?
why do i wake up & you're not there?
why can't i control myself around you?
why do i play the fool for you?

i had almost forgotten your softest touch,
even though i know it really isn't much.
i can't help myself from dreaming of you...
don't you know that i'm theoretically yours?

stop giving me reason to believe in us,
we weren't supposed to be such a fuss.
i still think about you every single night...
don't you know that i'm theoretically yours?

why does the moonlight dance in your hair?
why do i wake up & you're not there?
why can't i control myself around you?
why do i play the fool for you?

i had almost forgotten your smell,
i had almost forgotten your kiss,
i had almost forgotten your love,
i had almost forgotten your eyes,
i had almost forgotten your way.
did you almost forget...
that i'm theoretically yours?

b.

i apologise for the wait
but i've been trying to
organise my thoughts
while roughing it out.

i know this post will be
completely random but
i still hven't got my
thoughts organised...
they're still taking a swim,
swirling around in the pool
i call my mind.

+
oh, you have a such knack
for playing your games in
my head like an 80s atari.
i'm sorry to disappoint, hon.
i'm just not buying it anymore.

+
it breaks my heart when i
look at you in recent weeks...
i would've trusted you my life.
but i guess i trusted wrong.

+
please don't look at me
with those eyes of yours,
jade green with envy....
you don't know, you never knew.
neither did i... then.

have you ever sat back &
realised that what was once
seeming pleasure has now
left you with nothing but
the darkest shadows?

too many footprints in the sand.

+
i want to sell tao huay.

+
the serial monogamist returns,
but i'm trying not to let it cloud
my vision, indulging in fantasies
that could shatter me.

just four more days before
some foreseeable happy days.
just me & my bei.

why are we so concerned
with how it looks outside
these white picket fences,
that we failed to see what's
inside with us?

of neckaches & heartbreaks,
this is boo.


note to self:
whatever you do, &
whatever comes...
just hold the line.

b.