it's been happy days this weekend
for this overworked little pup...
with an extra day to play with,
a last minute hot plate party -
where good food, good company,
good fun, good (potent) martinis
were the order of the day.

+
mmmm... boo's culinary treat
on a lazy sunday afternoon :
roast chicken with herbs
on a bed of mushrooms.

there should be a sign downstairs:
graphikate designs & ristorante.

23 yr old female, single -
cooks, washes & does laundry.
ladies only. any takers? ha.

+
i walked right by our memories
on friday night at our usual time,
& i am so glad & proud of myself
for resisting the urge to walk
right over to revisit them.

i'm not your lipstick lover.

note to self :
feign igorance, for it is bliss.
it is the safest place to be
... just for a while.

b.

i look back at our old pictures.
we were happy. we were free.
we were the unstoppable duo -
it was us against the world.
we were young.

my eyes glowed with curiousity,
my smile was at its fullest...
now, look at my tainted eyes
& this broken smile.

i need weatherproof paint...
age has weathered me.
& seeped into the depths
of my soul.

does wisdom need to come
at such a price?

b.

some people just have the nerve.

thank you, undisclosed friends,
for the kindness you've bestowed
with your tigergotchi! ha.

b.

you slammed the door in my face
& told me to find affinity elsewhere.
& i have. so thank you for your time.
my doors will be closed now...
i'm just a little more banged up,
but even the deepest wounds heal.

affinity... i've prayed hard for it,
i've longed with all my heart for it,
i've searched so desperately for it.
but now that it's finally here...
i can't help but be afraid.

i am. but i know i shouldn't.
& i know i won't.

b.

our clients brought up something interesting:
we are the company of one syllabic names.
graphikate - ny, lyn, jase, yin, en.

b.

i apologise i've disappeared for a while.
i've been comtemplating all the while
about what exactly to put down in words.
not that there isn't anything to put down,
fact of the matter is that there is
just too much swirling around me
- i don't know where to start.

there'll be too many "you's" in this post,
bear with me... i'm not one for exposés.

1.
i think you're a pretty textbook case
of borderline personality disorder -
i can't take your nonsense.
let me go, please?

2.
don't look to me to solve your problems,
i have a huge serving of life on my plate too.
believe it or not, i'm tired of being mr fix-it.
i'm throwing in keys to the boo cave...
you can take the mobile & the cape.
but i know you won't... so i'll just tell you,
there's a hero for hire down the street -
just don't look to me anymore.

3.
please take your dramas elsewhere...
i'm not going to play a part, not anymore.
i gave up acting a long time ago.

4.
i've given you more than enough...
i think it's just about time that you
return the shattered pieces of me, pls?

5.
the one thing i've looked foward to
in my "everyday's" right now are
our nightly conversations of mojitos,
astrology, golf, wakeboarding, work,
music, friends, pet peeves, dreams,
our takes on life, love, fate, choice,
restaurants, wine & steaks well done...
do you know that i'm knocking my head
on other side of the line every night?
someone pls tell me i'm dreaming?

i told someone last night that i've learnt
to make choices that aren't what i want,
but what is essentially the best for me.

lian... this "41-year-old-21-year-old"
( i suppose it should now be changed
to a fitting "43-year-old-23-year-old )
has met her match? maybe. i'll call.
congratulations on the wedding -
here's to a lifetime of bliss & love that
we've spent hours on our SY balcony
talking about... among other things.
i miss you, & i miss SY.

jules, i want my "happy-clappy" ending?

I figured that
i just might make it
& i'm waking empty,
but seldom sleeping
& the words repeat,
breathing histories
into stories untold
...& I unfold.

*note to self :
will you promise not to be afraid?

b.

hong kong was a huge wakeup call for me
... in more ways than one, or two, or three.
the things that were waiting to happen
did take place through the course of the trip.
like all things in life - good & bad...
but i'll take it in my stride.

why is it that at first sign of trouble,
the one i still call & run to is you?
i want to knock my head sometimes.

my faithfoo, you have stuck by me
& saved me from plight yet again.
what will i do without you?

love me, don't owe me silly.
you know i love you more than words,
& i owe you more than ever repayable.

i've learnt about good friends, bad friends,
honesty, selfishness, integrity, kindness,
& all things 2006 - life, love, fate & choice.

i guess i'm making more trips home now.
the broken girl from hong kong.

b.

i'm sorry, i know i've promised, but...
i really couldn't get my thoughts
around my heart enough to put
them in the order i'd hoped.

forgive me, but like i said,
i've almost forgotten how
to speak english...
give me some time.



b.

i awake & wait for
something from you
... anything.







nothing.

b.

i think i need a holiday to
get over this holiday! ha.
back home in hong kong,
enjoying the attention
& basking in familiarity.

be back sunday, friends.

b.

RENT - the movie
stayed true to the one
that i love so much.

will i lose my dignity?
will someone care?
will i wake tomorrow,
from this nightmare?

b.

a recent incident made me realise something
about who i've come to be as a person -
that i don't want things enough anymore.
somehow by some strange twist of fate,
i've been reprogrammed to think that
wanting breeds disappointment.

maybe i've had enough of disappointments,
hence the strange new mindset these days.
maybe i just know that even though i
try my hardest to lie to the rest of the world
through my teeth that i'm the strongest,
most confident person on our planet...
that maybe, just maybe i don't have it in me
to survive another blow... for a while.
i'm just so tired of climbing back up,
only to get beaten back down...

so if i detach myself from all attachments,
( in my head, i conveniently labelled it "zen" )
i wouldn't have to survive climbing back up
from numerous disappointments.

but then again... where is the drive, boo?
where is the passion? where is the love?

why did i ever let my heart bleed for you?

well, you & i both loved.

ah... the secrets we've failed to keep.

*note to self :
on another, more sombre note...
you are bigger & stronger than this.
giving up without a good fight
is just not you.

b.

you were the sweetest thing today,
& you've broken down the defences
around my once shattered heart.

it's truly getting harder trying
not to adore you.

i hope you know that i will miss you.
but i will try my hardest tomorrow
& for the rest of the days after
...only for you.

can we stop playing "afraid" now?

can i have one more moondance
with you, my love...

b.