there's silence admist the indistinct chatter,
a dream of life, of something better.
it's a part of me, you'll never hear.
a part of me, a falling tear.

you feel your tear rolling down your cheek,
do you feel alone? frustrated & meek?
it's a part of me, you'll never feel.
a part of me, the part that's real.

freshly cut grass, popcorn & falling rain,
the only perfumes that mask my pain.
it's a part of me, you'll never smell.
a part of me, my living hell.

friendships & legacies of years before,
always told like ancient folklore.
it's a part of me, you'll never dream.
a part of me, torn at the seam.

as darkness rises behind the sunlight,
almost like an inverted lightning strike,
it's a part of me, you'll never see.
a part of me, this vast sea.

i'm a culmination of a million combinations,
a series of life's various complications.
they're a part of me, a lock with one key.
a part of me, you don't want me to be.

b.

hello, we meet again...
in the same old place i left you.
it could be the same time,
but that's relative, really.

i felt sappy & i went into old accounts,
read emails from yesteryear & 3/4s ago
& realised some thing in me went to sleep
& i have been living life completely
on automatic for a long while...
& i never quite saw the "auto-pilot" light
flashing on the dashboard of my mind.

i read the fine print which read
"signed up 8 years ago"
& i thought to myself,
"damn! has it been 8 years?".
yes it has.

have i lived these 8 years fully?
man... i think more like 16.
does it feel like 8 years?
actually, more like 8 months.

i had a chat last night about where
i felt my life had begun & the people
who have brought me to this point.
& that magic number appeared "8".
i was 18 then, figuring out life
after the comforts of being in school,
trying to find some meaning about life
& finding out who i really was.

i've had many highs & lows in those 8 years,
but i chose to put so much emphasis about the lows,
i forgot to think about any of those highs.
i then decided i was tired of it all,
packed my dreams, ambitions & myself
away carefully in bubble wrap
& flicked on that auto-pilot switch.

yeah i've heard the story that ambition
has adverse effects on the human mind.
but i've lived & learnt that non-ambition
can have adverse effects on MY mind.
yeah well, i've also heard how it destroys.
but you know what? i AM ambitious...
& i'm not going to feel guilty about that
for a minute longer, it's gone on too long.
for better or worse, i've popped the bubble wrap,
& dumped it all for recycling.

so this is me - 8 years later...
all brave again.
& loving it.

b.

the monster's regalia

as a child i would often wonder
what i would do if i ever (god forbid)
ran into the monsters that lived
under beds or in those dark closets.
on some days, i told myself that i would fight,
like a g.i. joe or a brave little autobot.
on other days, i figured i would just scream
& run for cover behind my all powerful parents.
i wondered what they would have looked like -
maybe they would have tried on my clothes
or played with my toys that fell through the cracks
right down to the darkness below my bed.
that lead me to ponder how they sounded like -
would they growl? would they speak english?
maybe they would be friendly, or harmless...
or maybe even more afraid of meeting me -
the giant hairless creature that lived above,
that lived outside of their dark world.

then i grew up & forgotten about those monsters.
they were a strange fantasy that outlived my mind.

but now i realise that the only monsters
walk amongst us, dress like us & look like us.
do not be fooled by their elaborate regalia.
they manipulate us into thinking & believing
that we are worth nothing, we should say nothing,
we should feel nothing... we are nothing.
they hold grudges for years at a time,
& they eat us from the inside out,
having a taste for our souls, not our flesh.
... they are very different from the monsters
that lived in the deepest recesses of our minds.
maybe deep inside they look exactly like that,
gooey or green or hairy with 5,233 razor sharp teeth.
maybe their technology is much more advanced than ours
that you don't see them any different.

this morning i realised that i share the bed
with one such highly advanced monster...
which snarls & snaps when it's provoked.
& no, i didn't fight like a g.i. joe or an autobot.
i had none of their bravery or strength or fortitude.
i didn't even run behind the all powerful parents
(whom i've learnt, are human, afterall, by the way).
i just cowered.

such a disappointing end to a childhood fantasy
i spent so many years working up to.

b.

1. i blame being born on two cusps, between capricorn & aquarius, dog & pig. it makes me a series of contradictions too bothersome to describe, but shared between few.

2. i blame that my star sign is no longer aligned with its constellation as a result of the precession of the equinoxes, causing the "lost sheep" syndrome.

3.i blame the black president, it's not personal or racist, don't get me wrong... but only because it shows me that times are changing & i hate change.

4. i blame change, it throws me off my favourite, comfortable armchair in life's living room & changes the "on repeat" playlist of my iTunes.

5. i blame my father for teaching me to be fearful of everything in life & focusing too much on tomorrow that i forget that "today's" build "tomorrow's".

6. i blame my mother for being so wise, she makes me look like she left me spinning in a teacup at disneyland 20 odd years ago.

7. i blame the bombardment of 80s cartoons & box office movies to my young, impressionable mind, where heroes were glorified, it created a "martyr / hero" complex that's hard to shed & impossible to live up to.

8. i blame facebook for endless hours of mindless fun, which draws me to endless hours of crazy work in the dead of the night.

9. it brings me to blame PROCRASTINATION for running in my blood (bad genes).

10. i ALSO blame facebook for providing me access to friends, both old & new... old friends who remind me of who i used to be & new friends who have shown me who i've grown to become.

11. i blame friends, both old & new, for being messengers of the universe.

12. i blame the universe for whispering into my friends' hearts, toying with their words so they would send subtle messages to me, messages the universe knows only i would get.

13. i blame neptune for turning retrograde, forcing me to face issues i've been sweeping under my pillow at night, & forcing me to reconcile lost dreams.

14. i blame difficult choices, unhappy circumstances, half-baked ideas, devious people, uninspired dreams & broken inner compasses for my lost dreams.

15. i blame my lost dreams for keeping me demoralised & uninspired, afraid to make any major decisions, floating through life in the safety & comfort of my home.

16. i blame the little superfurryfriend at home who is so sweet & cute that she's stolen my heart.

17. i blame the original superfurryfriend for stealing away my heart & breaking it when he left.

18. i blame the fat superfurryfriend for constantly meowing at me for food, forcing me to stick my headphones over my ears, causing me to be a bit more deaf than i already am & so the universe can speak to me abit MORE through the words i pick up from each song of my iTunes.

19. i blame being a primarily auditory learner, it leaves me susceptible to messages through my iTunes.

20. i blame iTunes for giving me access to so many songs that sing in my heart.

21. i blame the many heart aches in life that made my heart stop singing.

22. i blame the silence for the influx of thoughts.

23. i blame some of these thoughts that fight me because they are demeaning & demoralising, instilling fear into this already fearful heart / mind / soul.

24. i blame my heart / mind / soul for running like that blasted 10 year old daikin air conditioning compressor outside my house that's old, overheats, makes a hell lot of noise, leaks... BUT STILL RUNS.

25. i blame the landlord for never fixing anything that's broken till it's dead.

26. i blame myself for always wanting to fix every other broken thing or person except myself.

27. i blame that i've bought into the strange idea that i've sold for so long - that i'm INVINCIBLE.

28. i blame everyone else for buying into that idea & not recognising my humanity.

29. i blame humanity (& the lack of it) for people hurting little superfurryfriends on the street & all over the world which breaks my heart when i read about it.

30. i blame somebody in particular for making me read an sms that read "... blame ends with me".


so for everything & everyone that has journeyed with me through life, thank you for giving me something to blame, because all these things have shaped me into the person i am today, both good & bad. the good things have blessed me & kept me afloat when times went bad & for the bad things that have taught me invaluable lessons in life & bringing me closer to my kismet.

thank you - my family, my friends & the universe, for teaching about the cycles of life & for allowing me the opportunity to start & finish, open & close, begin & end... because

MEtamorphosis begins with me
& blame ends with ME.

namaste,
b.

my resolutions (with the help of zouk) for 2009,
6 days into the year (though it really doesn't feel like it).

1. i will not be bestfriends with skinny people again, ever.
2. i will make enough money to fill every nook & cranny of my spanking new house.
3. i will sleep more & procrastinate less.
4. i will finally get my own crib (a fancy one, at that!).
5. i will quit being so negative & faithless & start believing in myself & eat like a champion.
6. i will go to egypt & refresh my memory.
7. no more chocolate lunches & ice cream dinners.
8. i want to meet tiësto & bring music to my soul.
9. i will try to make time for all who are worth it.

ok 2009, you will not fail me!

b.

i live with the hope that
in living my life with others in mind,
others will live with me in mind.
i live with the hope that
as i learn to be more accepting of others,
they too will learn to be more accepting of me.
i live with the hope that
by being grateful of the people in my life,
these people would be grateful for me in theirs.
i live with the hope that
if you fight the good fight for others,
they would, in turn, fight the good fight for you.

i live with the reality that people
(most - i will give the benefit of the doubt)
don't live like this.

it's been a long, tiresome, dramatic few days
that i hope will end really soon...
my rut has turned into a bit of a trench
& i am tired of dodging bullets.

keep your guard up, & your feet light.

there's no place like home.


note to self:
god is in the word.

b.

& it's the same damned thing
i'm so quick to believe,
you do it over & over again.

b.